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I'll Die Before the Rest of me Changes

by nathaniel philip

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peterminde
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peterminde Brilliant, wildly inventive. Looking forward to hearing more from Nathaniel Philip.
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1.
When he was born, Dad lost his wife, How bittersweet, No time to grieve, Dad got a job, He's not his mom, Provide for his son, All on his own [x2 For a Round] Husband, Father, Wife, Mother, Child, Family complete, all settled down, No -fuck all that- kill my damn wife, Hopefully I, raise my boy right, Dad got a job, Dove in head first, Data gathered, (for a) Social Network, Finds socialists, Sells them Sickles, He's on all day, and He scrolls through your posts, Anxiety stoked, cause All of his friends, They're still eloped [x2 For a Round] Husband, Father, Wife, Mother, Child How it is supposed to be now, No -fuck all that- end my damn life, Hopefully I raise my boy right
2.
Open an Egg 05:24
The boy loves dumb entertainment, So much fun when dad can’t play yet, Mature themes he can’t hold onto, A computer shapes his worldview, (Uh-huh) Open an Egg, easy (,) solace, Open an Egg, it’s life white with polish, If dad’s done with work, but still seething, If dad’s worn in panic’s unreceding, If you ever feel sorrow, and If you ever feel joyful, Open an Egg, easy (,) solace, Open an Egg, it’s life straight and polished And so these egg’s allure, abused his youthful state, his youthful state without distraction, he’d contemplate, Once, bright colors and big sounds were a visceral high, now his gray’s only bright with exponential time eyed, If his dad was stressed out, or there was nothing to do, then he’d sit on down, keepin’ them eggs in view, Then his mind turns gray it gives him just enough, to keep him uninspired, autonomy rebuff, He had wanted some cake, right when he began, but he couldn’t stop watching, until intolerably bland, Asked his father for some, dad did little to refute, but it made him feel heinous and the flavor was mute.
3.
[Instrumental]
4.
[Instrumental]
5.
Before he was thirteen, life had as much a point as when it began, He’d relisten to music, words no longer babble he’d flippantly chant, Then he started to like their words, he could finally connect with someone else, By the time he was thirteen, a lack of purpose poems managed to squelch He’d talk with his grandma, one in the house with whom he could openly speak, Told her ‘bout his poems, nervous, that like dad, she’d scoff at his feeling unique, Went better than expected, she had loved poems just as much as him, Came down from the attic, with as many books as would fit in a bin After a week, he’d already worn through grandma’s stash, Now finally inspired enough, he’d write naive and brash, He puts himself in his work, and he puts his work online, A dangerously intimate portrait, for such a fragile mind “‘This poem is very poorly written, and isn't worth the time to be read in my opinion. No one has gives a shit about you whining about your fucking victim complex. Kill your self.’”
6.
hello, Molly 04:05
I wish you were talking just to me, Like we were just friends, naturally, casually, I can't seem to pinpoint why I (like/love) you, Hope if we met you'd (like/love) me too, You're perfectly flawed, It’s why I'll buy any product you laud, And though I hate you're focus group contrived, If I love you, you must be genuinely derived
7.
How’s a boy supposed to grow up without a mother to raise him A single parent ain't enough, I know, I grew up impoverished How is one man supposed to provide, and raise a son with discipline I'll tell you one thing my mom did not, and I'm a failure for it I hate what she's put in him, the way he's soft and pudgy She hasn't changed one little bit My son's a young me I just want to raise my boy right (x16) I remember how hard it was to grow up I just want to be the person he can talk to I may have had less tech when I when I was his age I just want him to feel like, feel like he's got a father and a... ...Mother Mom's always expressing her concern About the way I live my life So what if I'm caught up in my work It's why I'll be happy It doesn't matter where the talking starts She always makes it end the same way Her soft sell makes it that much worse When she finally reveals her hand and When she talks about her moral mindset I want to fucking shoot her Is that the same mindset, that left us without meals And I may not be overly happy now, But at least I can work towards tangible goals, Unlike your Buddhist bullshit, I know in the end I'll be happy, Sure I get distracted by inane shit, But I don't really care who is right, I've said it every possible way, Stop telling me you've heard and listen I don't know what constitutes love, and I know I don't have to like my mother to love her, and I guess I'm still housing her and feeding her and letting her talk to hear grandkids- yeah But at this point all I have is the assumption, the assumption I love my... ...Mother
8.
As Grandma's died, his father could not be more relieved, Their shared conflicts were no longer his burden to heave, And as Grandma's died, father makes an effort to reconnect, "Talk to my son over cake, better yet, better yet" Son wants to decline, feeling insecure about his lack of grief, He should be in anguish, pain of his own should be a relief, Cake is for people suffering more than obligation to mourn, He ends up going, too much effort to convey that he's torn, Father, Son finish up, swap stories, wisdom from her life, Dad pretends he forgot to mention the note grandma left behind, "I guess I'll read it while mom's still on our minds:" “‘Consciousness is a curse. Love you both’” "Even from the fucking grave"
9.
and so they Take the memory from people’s lives, and you can Watch them as though, they were your eyes, thought it’d be a Nice way to remember grandma, a Cathartic grief panorama Dad loved the idea, and that was that, His memories seen, grief retracts, No more mom on his mind, he could stop all that, No longer unsure, he could relax The funeral, came and went but Dad kept watching, without relent, It’s just casual, was his defense, But he wore himself down, the full extent His memories were rose tinted depictions, and Seen enough, replace his old remanitions, Soon enough he can’t make the distinction, Then it restarts with his compiled innervisions Dad’s got only pleasant memories, Living only highlights life disconsolate tendencies, The only place that brings him any comfort, Is the clinic he frequents for two months No one around, he gives in, Doesn’t take long, till he gives up, So like father, like son, their shared vice, At least in there, he’s raised right Three weeks in, went to call his friend Molly, Watched himself, make that gut wrenching folly, He was done, sought to stave off the clinic, Discipline is what’ll curb his addiction Quickly bored without routine (,) comfort, He nursed himself back unencumbered, Self awareness, slave to Monkey-Head, But it’s the only place grandma isn’t dead
10.
I’ve said it before, I see myself in you, and I want you to know, that I still love you, Know I’m your dad, so you won’t listen, but this is more than paternal wisdom, Just let me tell you about this path, cause it’s really fucking hard, and I want you to know that but My Boy, My Boy! Don’t make the same mistakes I did, my past I’ve yet to relinquish, i won’t Lie Boy, Lie Boy! I don’t know how to fix it, but I can help you prevent it, brain’ll be Fried Boy, Fried Boy! A snake eating its own tail, mental self immolation, want to know why you can’t Cry Boy, Cry Boy! Your mind is numb, be indebted to my revelation
11.
I just thought we should talk about it, all that's happened, things are bad I know, I've learned a lot about myself, over these past couple months, I wanted to share that I've grown, that I've grown... I'm in a better place now I know... All I ask is for closure, then I'll go... Going from wealth to poverty, at such a ripe age, sense of stability concaved, Uncomfortable with the constant change, my mom brought on us, claims her life lost focus, Always jealous of my friend's families, nuclear, wealthy, robust personas, so healthy, I'd known before I'd even met your mother, I'd wanted a family, one of those beautiful families, Ow... I wince at that mindset now... Always my answer, didn't ask why till now... And I still don't know the answer now... So OH! Because of that mindset, I thought OH! If got your mom pregnant, I could finally cultivate that sense of stability, And give my boy, give my boy, what I never had, So OH! When mom asked why start a family, I said OH! Why start a family!? Knew to pick at her fears, angst, love and desire, Maybe not ready, but all opposition I defiled, OH! When your mom died on that table, OH! So, did my paternal desires, With your mom gone, there went the comfort, my family, One fell swoop, life's goal failed, fuckin' dandy, And OH! I Don't even know if I mourned her death right, And OH! I was just so distraught by my life's blight, Never really grasped you were a person, obligation, Jesus- You weren't born to be raised [x3] No- No- You were born to fix me I understand that's a lot to take in, but that's my revelation, that’s what I've come to tell you, When I learned the clinic distorts your memory, It just took me a while, to pull myself out of my spiral, but, After I learned that I wanted to tell you, so I could save us from dulling, our once sharp minds to a stub, But of course I couldn't do it, I'm down the well deeper, than I know how to get myself out, I just- wanted to let you know… I just wanted to let you know... I just wanted to let you know... Self awareness is a bitch when you, don't know how to maintain, a semblance of self control, What I wouldn't give, to have my desires align with what I logically know is best, Pernicious guilt piles on top of my impulse, inner monologue impotently protests, before coming along for the ride, Once it caves in from the fatiguing process, it justifies its existence, by satirically rationalizing Hey bud, there’s something this is culminating to, there’s something I gotta ask you, Bud, Bud, Buddy… So let me just ask you, come out and ask you- w What do you think of you and me, tomorrow, just spend a little time alone in the house? Just you and me, Cause if I leave, If I get in that car, I will relapse So... what’d you say to that? What’d you say to that- huh? What’d you say to that?! What’d you say Wh- This has to be the longest he's been gone, And now he's asking me to help him move on, Why shouldn't I help him out? He’s my dad ain't he, isn't that what this is about but fuck- I’m losing my faith in his capacity to change on his own, Reflection ain't much, when you don't act on what you now know, and shit- I know the clinic fucked me- I know the clinic fucked me, I remind myself every day, I could barely pull myself away- I want to help you, I want you to see that I can help you but, What can I even do? What can I even do? Not chasing fantasy must of been what grandma was getting at, But I guess she was just so stubborn and exhausting you'd retract Funny how the only thing you two shared, was the love of Correctivism, Funny how you two then split hairs on the lyrics meaning, Ironic, I always felt it encapsulated both your feelings... ...God I miss her I know her death means nothing, in the grander scheme of human suffering, I was born a trophy son, a mistake by one, I know that now, I feel nothing fuck me Why do I think like this, why do I think like this... I keep putting other people’s pain before mine, Fatigue from the selflessness of help has logged its time, Oh! But you can't be a good person if you don't do something about the pain of others, Why can’t I lump in my own pain as easily I do the pain of others, I wish I could treat my own pain as I do others, I want to treat my own pain as I do others, I need to treat my own pain as I do others, Oh, not this time- I will treat my own pain as I do others, [x3] I will
12.
Cake Wedge 03:38
He came downstairs the next morning, to find that his father had taken the car and gone, He had assumed his father's worst, until he opened an empty fridge, “So maybe he's alright, I said I'd stop thinking about it" "Cause I can't owe him anything, we had that epiphany-iny" "Allow yourself to feel okay now, drop the pit out of your stomach, You can't let this affect you as much it is, you deserve this, How ‘bout we get you some nice cake" "Get myself some cake now, I can taste how good it will be, rich as all hell, let little me enjoy his treat” “Let little me- little me- little me! Oh! just Gonna get some cake, just gonna sit down, just gonna sit down in broad daylight, Get myself some, let myself just enjoy a little, Nice, nice cake”

about

“I'll Die Before the Rest of Me Changes” is a dystopian, family drama, art-pop album, which catalogs the coming of age of a child and his father, on a journey of self-discovery in an increasingly surreal and isolating digital age.

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released January 27, 2022

Song Writing, Lyrics, Performance, Sound Engineering, Production, Mixing and Mastering: Nathaniel Philip Havens

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nathaniel philip New Jersey

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